By Adeniji A.B
NEVER BE DISPONDENT
Are you in your late teens or early 20's? Do you struggle a lot with depression, anger, and hurt—in part because of the things happening around you as you are growing up living with your parents?
When you think of the way things have changed with your relations with your parents, do you which things could get better?
This has been compiled just to be of help to you.
In this part of the world that we find ourselves, we see around us parents who are emotionally abusive at times and who administer painful “spankings.” and even go to the extend of cursing their children.
The use of such terms on children as being stupid and unable to do anything right is a daily occurence in our society.
Many a times we could have parents who could also be distant at times with no efforts made to meet the emotional needs of their neglected children.
When you have such being experienced by you, you find yourself to be in a delima and if you you are a believer your only consolation might come from reading the scriptures or talking to Christian friend.
Your dilemma would be —how do you relate to the situation with your toxic parents in a way and manner that would please the Lord and you getting healed from the hurts they caused?
Your parents deserve your honour no matter what, because the Lord desire that you prosper doing this..
First thing you need to know Is that the situation may not be peculiar to just you, as there may be others in similar or even worst conditions.
Now how you handle the situation is what matters as not to allow yourself fall prey to emotional depression and negativity.
Can You Have A Healthy Relationship With Toxic Parents?
Parents are humans first and as a result they are not different from every average men we interact with daily in the larger society.
For all men, the heart of all is desperately wicked; no doubt, it only takes regeneration to bring about the transformation God desires and until a man gets to that point In life, nothing extraordinarily good can not necessarily be expected. Same goes for any perceived toxic parent.
Primarily You Need To Determine Whether A Relationship With Your Parent Is possible
Some parents are so toxic that a relationship with them must be limited or are not possible. They may have harmful behaviors such as:
• Substance abuse,
• Being controlling and manipulative,
• Being mean, or being overly dependent and clingy.
• Some parents and caregivers may be sadistic monsters who never see anything good in a child.
• Being violent and physical inflicting injury and harms.
• There are those that are even sexual perverts abusing their children.
No doubt you have to honor your fathers and mothers (Exodus 20:12, Matthew 5:4, 19:19, Ephesians 6:1, Colossians 3:20) - because it is the right thing to do and results in us having a good and a long life. It pleases God when we do. However, the Bible also tells fathers not to irritate and aggravate their children (Ephesians 6:4).
.As a child fearfully and wonderfully created; you need to allow yourselve to take measures to protect you from harmful parental behavior. You should not feel guilty if you chose to avoid or to limit your contact with toxic parents to protect your mental health.
Do Not Let Their Words Define Who You Are
Many people allow their parents’ harmful behavior to define who they are. Adult children of toxic parents may identify themselves as ugly, stupid, naïve, lazy weak, and bad because
Those definitions are the negative messages they heard growing up. For a long time, your parents, in part, defined who you would be or are presently.
Do you see yourself as a lesser human being who is dumb and can not do anything right?
Are you acting the wrong scripts now as being bad, rude, and deserved constant physical punishment?
First thing first;
Recognize Your Parents’ Behaviors as Toxic
Toxicity as words and actions that do harm to us- Carola Finch
• Some parents are mean, judgmental, or controlling for reasons we do not understand.
• There are other more obvious reasons why parents do what they do, such as substance abuse or mental health issues.
• They may have emotional problems like anger that taint their judgment and make them lose self-control.
• They may be clingy, overprotective, and constantly interfering in their adult children’s lives.
• Others may use the “honor” command to control and guilt their adult kids into doing things their kids do not want to do.
• Fornsomenot may he marriagenrelated, particularly when the couple might he having fidelity issues
• Toxic parents may ne mirror their childhood as that is just the only way they knew children should be raised.
• Parents having finacialncrisos might unconsciously take it out on their children
Secondly; Be Healed And Be of Good Health, even as your soul prospers.
Forgive Your Parents
"Forgive us our trespasses ....." forgiveness may seem like a given.burden. ....to be forgiven supposed that we also forgive others, right?
Unfortunately, forgiving is not an easy process and can take time. A painful childhood is not going to heal overnight. It is incredibly difficult to admit that the parents who were supposed to love, nurture, and protect us were unloving, mean, neglectful, drunk, high on drugs, abusive, or cruel, let alone forgive them.
Hard as it is, beginning this process helps you to let go of resentment and emotional pain. You have to let Go to let God.
If you hold on to these feelings, they will poison your life and relationships. You may end up experiencing anger management issues for several years as a young adult.
Have you started noticing already how your rages hurt innocent people?
Forgiving your parents removes all hurts from working you up.
Ask God for help to do this.
Further more to survive a difficult parent do the following
1. Stay calm.
When a toxic parent starts criticising you it can be frightening and infuriating. Taking a strong line won’t help. Instead, prepare yourself by practising ways of staying calm and controlled in a challenging situation.
Take slow, mindful breathing or meditation. These will help you take soothing breaths when you are being shouted at and help release tense feelings.
Make positive confession about yourself.if you are being brutally criticised, try silently replacing your parent’s negative comments with something more realistic and positive.
2. Learn to accept your situation.
It’s often hard to know what mood your toxic parent might be in and you can feel you are treading on eggshells. Some days might be OK, others can be dreadful, with shouting and unfair accusations.
Get your mind engaged doing something productive rather then dwelling on the past actions and anticipating the next moves in fear.
3. Don’t retaliate.
Two wrongs don't make a right.
Arguing back will only make things worse. It will fuel the row, which will last longer, leave you feeling awful and it will not change anything.
Instead, work out simple ways of easing the situation.
Offer to make a cup of tea,
Apologisebeven when you are not wrong,
talk with a soft voice and avoid direct eye contacts as much as possible.
Never try to walk or on them.
If, at any stage in your life, you feel tempted to challenge your unkind parent or seek revenge, remember that you can’t win and the chance of achieving anything positive is minute.
4. See a better future with hope.
For as a man thinkest in his heart so is he;
What future do you envisagage for yourself?
You can become the person you want to be in every area of life, with or without your toxic parent’s approval.
It’s understandable to worry about trusting people, so take things slowly. Don’t get involved with someone who is like your horrid parent or because they are an escape route. See yourself as growing up to be a lovely and caring person and parent and not being toxic to your children too.
You can be a loving parent of you work at it ince you recognise them as being Gods heritage.
5. Believe in yourself.
Believe in God, believe also in His powers and grace for your life.
Don’t believe that you are the bad person your parent claims you are. Make a list of your qualities and abilities and aim to be the best you can in everything that you do, at work and with your friends.
If you tend to be self-critical, tell yourself that everyone makes mistakes and the important thing is to learn from them and do better next time.
6. Talk to someone you trust.
In the midst of much counselling there is safety.
Living with a difficult parent can be very isolating. You may not have siblings to confide in and your friends may get on well enough with their parents.
You may feel disloyal talking about your situation and feel you are in some way to blame for their behaviour.
Do test out friends before you confide in them. Or, depending on your age, you could try talking things over, carefully at first, with a sympathetic teacher, older relative you can trust, or counsellor. Everyone needs help but get it from the right place or persons
( you can call us today if you need to talk;+23408150764383)
7. Look after yourself.
Most things in life seem worse when you don’t take care of yourself. Eating healthily, exercising and getting a good night’s sleep will all make you feel better and stronger.
Give yourself the occasional simple treat: for example, a long soak in the bath, take a good read with a good book.
Above all, talk to the Lord who is the Author and Finisher of all things.
"Come unto me", he said, "all that are burdened and heavy laden and I would give you rest".....
He cares for you and able to change the heart of stone to a loving heart.
Never give up on yourself nor your parents, no matter how toxic they might seem.
Compiled by -Ayo-Ben-Niji
Lead Consultant
Citadel Project.
08150764384
References:
myhorridparent.com
Pariedlife.com. -Carola Finch
Carola is a Christian writer and author of several books. She writes about Christian living, relationships, and other topics
Pairedlife.com
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